~pot-a-toe

entry 16:

I am back from a week in Minneapolis and I am still thinking about my friends, especially the ones I haven't seen all summer. I have only seen 2 of my friends and I wonder how everyone else is doing because they are the reason I have the confidence to post any of my art here or share it with anyone anywhere.

I have been going over everything lately. Not just the resent things, but all of my past and I have come to believe that there is absolutely no point in life except to die because without life there is no death. So then, I ask myself, why am I still alive? I think my reason for being alive now is to help other people be as happy as possible for as long as possible. In other words I am giving my life away for those who have a reason to live, but don't have the support they need to fulfill their goal(s). So because I probably won't even meet most of the people who read this, I would like to share my happiest memory with anyone who is still reading.


I was sitting on the grass with tons of toys all around me. I was leaning against the trunk of a weeping willow whose branches all reached the ground like a veil. It was the middle of spring and I couldn't see anything beyond the branches and leaves. The leaves were letting just enough light in that I could see what was around me, the light a soothing silvery green color that filled and warmed me from the inside. It was absolutely silent all around and I just sat there, contented. I finally woke up and I have never had that dream since but it happened so early in my life that it very well might have been real, I just don't know, but I have never felt happier in my whole life and have always searched for that same willow even though I probably will never find such a tree.

It was my very first memory ever and my very second was the saddest memory I have.


I was entering a church, my five-year-old eyes taking in everything and wondering why we were going to church on a Friday. I sat down in the pews with my mom and dad and listened to the service because I was curious to hear what all of this was about. Next thing I knew I was looking at an open grave with a new coffin in it, the tombstone reading the name of my great-grandmother. Her name was May so I could read that at five years old but I had only met her a week ago and then I heard that My family was the last relatives to have seen her alive and I had forgotten to say that I love her because she was part of our family. The reason for this was because We had gone with her to the graveyard we were now standing in because she wanted to see her husbands grave again and it was such an odd experience for me that I just happened to forget to say three words as we finally headed back home. I was sad that day but the thing that saddened me most was that she died without hearing the words "I love you". Because of that I have now decided that I will do my very best to love everyone with an unconditional love so that no one else will die without a final "I love you"


So now I say to anyone who has read all the way through the early years of my life: I love YOU.